Like most women I know I have always thought I'm a bit fat - no, I don't mean morbidly obese fat, but, you know, podgy fat. I'm not sure when this started, but I know that from as soon as I hit puberty and started getting curves I have never liked a photo of myself, especially not in a swimsuit. From time to time there was the odd photo of me, pre-teenage years, gangly legged, in jodhpurs, that I have poured over and wondered when it started to go so wrong? I am one of the tallest members of my family, my two sisters are a bit shorter than me and I'm sure they'll think I'm an idiot for these thoughts, but this is just the way I've felt for a really long time.
I started this blog to inspire me when training and competing in Ironman triathlons, but this is something I think subconsciously I have gotten into to lose or maintain weight. I have never been anorexic or bullimic, I love and enjoy food too much for that and I really hate being sick. I definately don't worry about it enough to do anything stupid, but still, family photos, holiday snaps, the lot, all get scrutinised. I don't like my arms, legs, bum, face, nothing. However, even at my peak of physical fitness I still look in the mirror with disgust, why do I still have that belly fat and why can I never firm up my butt?
Training for an Ironman is great - I found it a superb way to be at one with my body - I had cravings for things like tuna, eggs and lentils - never chocolate, then the week before I suddenly craved red meat in abundance. I knew exactly what my body needed to eat to recover and rebuild yet I would still be disappointed with the image looking back at me.
When I compete I still think I'm fat - then when it's all over I let go and gradually get a bit fatter every winter, why is this?
As a fashion designer I have always been subjected to images of catwalk and cover models, the ideal that for most women is completely unachievable. Perhaps somewhere it stuck - in my head this is the norm, this is what everyone looks like except for me. Except they don't!
I used to go to sixth form with a girl who at one point was hailed as the next British super model - in reality she was ridiculously tall and thin and really quite plain looking - I was insanely jealous of her modelling career and was probably quite mean about her - I just didn't understand. Whenever I see someone who is too thin it makes me quite uncomfortable, but I feel the same when I see fat people.
I would love to blame it all on the airbrushed images of tiny bronzed models, however, there's an emerging trend and acceptance in the fashion industry for plus size models. I was once asked to interview for a design role for a plus sized fashion company, I turned it down because I didn't want to be encouraging people to think it's okay to be fat, I would rather be encouraging them to get fit and healthy. I look at plus size models (who in reality are only a size 16) and think they look gross, but then I have friends who are size 14, but with good legs and tiny waists, they look great. So what's it going to be?
A friend described to me this condition and I think it perfectly explains what goes on in my head. I think it's my fear of getting fat, that finding myself disgusting is my control mechanism to never let go. I exercise more than the national average, I eat mostly healthily, almost always prepare meals from scratch. I rarely drink alcohol and fizzy drinks. My only real weakness is chocolate, therefore I proclaim that for me, chocolate is the work of the devil!!
I am now 36yrs old, still without children - I have always put this off as I wanted to have the perfect body first - flat stomach and a great bum would be enough, but I have never thought I had achieved such a thing. I know it all comes down to genetics and these days more jobs than ever are mostly sedentary, leading to a massive growth in obesity. I'm not obese and my husband is forever telling me off when I say I'm fat. It shouldn't matter, as long as he finds me attractive who cares? I do!! Deep down I know I'm fit and healthy and that's all that matters, people are starving around the world and I'm worried about some cellulite, I mean, come on Cat!
I started this blog to inspire me when training and competing in Ironman triathlons, but this is something I think subconsciously I have gotten into to lose or maintain weight. I have never been anorexic or bullimic, I love and enjoy food too much for that and I really hate being sick. I definately don't worry about it enough to do anything stupid, but still, family photos, holiday snaps, the lot, all get scrutinised. I don't like my arms, legs, bum, face, nothing. However, even at my peak of physical fitness I still look in the mirror with disgust, why do I still have that belly fat and why can I never firm up my butt?
Training for an Ironman is great - I found it a superb way to be at one with my body - I had cravings for things like tuna, eggs and lentils - never chocolate, then the week before I suddenly craved red meat in abundance. I knew exactly what my body needed to eat to recover and rebuild yet I would still be disappointed with the image looking back at me.
When I compete I still think I'm fat - then when it's all over I let go and gradually get a bit fatter every winter, why is this?
As a fashion designer I have always been subjected to images of catwalk and cover models, the ideal that for most women is completely unachievable. Perhaps somewhere it stuck - in my head this is the norm, this is what everyone looks like except for me. Except they don't!
I used to go to sixth form with a girl who at one point was hailed as the next British super model - in reality she was ridiculously tall and thin and really quite plain looking - I was insanely jealous of her modelling career and was probably quite mean about her - I just didn't understand. Whenever I see someone who is too thin it makes me quite uncomfortable, but I feel the same when I see fat people.
I would love to blame it all on the airbrushed images of tiny bronzed models, however, there's an emerging trend and acceptance in the fashion industry for plus size models. I was once asked to interview for a design role for a plus sized fashion company, I turned it down because I didn't want to be encouraging people to think it's okay to be fat, I would rather be encouraging them to get fit and healthy. I look at plus size models (who in reality are only a size 16) and think they look gross, but then I have friends who are size 14, but with good legs and tiny waists, they look great. So what's it going to be?
A friend described to me this condition and I think it perfectly explains what goes on in my head. I think it's my fear of getting fat, that finding myself disgusting is my control mechanism to never let go. I exercise more than the national average, I eat mostly healthily, almost always prepare meals from scratch. I rarely drink alcohol and fizzy drinks. My only real weakness is chocolate, therefore I proclaim that for me, chocolate is the work of the devil!!
I am now 36yrs old, still without children - I have always put this off as I wanted to have the perfect body first - flat stomach and a great bum would be enough, but I have never thought I had achieved such a thing. I know it all comes down to genetics and these days more jobs than ever are mostly sedentary, leading to a massive growth in obesity. I'm not obese and my husband is forever telling me off when I say I'm fat. It shouldn't matter, as long as he finds me attractive who cares? I do!! Deep down I know I'm fit and healthy and that's all that matters, people are starving around the world and I'm worried about some cellulite, I mean, come on Cat!
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